So, I turned 18 1 month ago today. 18! I'm legally an adult, but I still feel as lost as I did at 14. When do we find ourselves? When are we finally introduced to the person we're destined to be? Why is it that it seems everyone around us (even our own age) has it together while we're barely hanging on?
College is fast approaching and I feel like I'm walking into the lion's den. Now, I know some of my jitters are normal, but I can't help but fear that I won't be able to settle into my new life. I'm worried about how I'll fare on my own, in a new city, without my friends and family. I'm scared that my lack of personality (as I see it) will cause me to yet again be an outcast; this time though, I'll spend 120k to be that outcast.
I just don't know. How do you become comfortable enough with yourself to realize that you ARE being yourself? How do you accept the fact that you may not be as exciting as the next person or that you've got quirky hobbies?
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
Well, let me tell you how it all started...
I wrote a blog about that guy I worked with awhile ago, and now I think I need to offer up an explanation of him.
It all started one day while I was standing near the Xbox 360 display in Best Buy. I was looking around the department when I saw this guy in MP3's. Oh my god. He was so excellent. I first noticed his body. It was uber masculine. I loved how broad his shoulders were and how much "swag" he had. It wasn't douchebagy, but confident and I could tell he was fun just by how he moved his body.
Then I met him.
I don't remember how much time pasted before I actually got to speak to him. I remember thinking when I first saw him: he's so sexy, he's extremely attractive! He probably won't have anything to do with me. Then one day I was in MP3's helping a customer and I heard this energetic voice behind me. He said: Kayli. Oh! Wow! I've never had someone I've never even met pronounce my name correctly! With a name like Kayli, my given gets butchered on a regular. So anyway, I turned around and he had this genuine, beautiful smile on his face as he asked me about something. I could barely open my mouth, I was struck at how open and friendly he was. I've never met a guy who was so attractive and sweet.
He wasn't done yet.
As time passed Josh became a bigger deal for me. I remember one night the store was rather empty and we spent most of our time talking and laughing. I began to look forward to seeing him. He was just so nice and inquisitive. He made everything interesting. When I knew he was coming in to work, I would get all excited and when he would finally walk down the main throughway in the store, I would't be able to contain my smile!
Man, I really, REALLY miss Josh! I wish I had the balls to send this to him...
It all started one day while I was standing near the Xbox 360 display in Best Buy. I was looking around the department when I saw this guy in MP3's. Oh my god. He was so excellent. I first noticed his body. It was uber masculine. I loved how broad his shoulders were and how much "swag" he had. It wasn't douchebagy, but confident and I could tell he was fun just by how he moved his body.
Then I met him.
I don't remember how much time pasted before I actually got to speak to him. I remember thinking when I first saw him: he's so sexy, he's extremely attractive! He probably won't have anything to do with me. Then one day I was in MP3's helping a customer and I heard this energetic voice behind me. He said: Kayli. Oh! Wow! I've never had someone I've never even met pronounce my name correctly! With a name like Kayli, my given gets butchered on a regular. So anyway, I turned around and he had this genuine, beautiful smile on his face as he asked me about something. I could barely open my mouth, I was struck at how open and friendly he was. I've never met a guy who was so attractive and sweet.
He wasn't done yet.
As time passed Josh became a bigger deal for me. I remember one night the store was rather empty and we spent most of our time talking and laughing. I began to look forward to seeing him. He was just so nice and inquisitive. He made everything interesting. When I knew he was coming in to work, I would get all excited and when he would finally walk down the main throughway in the store, I would't be able to contain my smile!
Man, I really, REALLY miss Josh! I wish I had the balls to send this to him...
Josh.
For someone who has never been in a "real" relationship, I sure have a lot of problems with them.
I've been pinning away over Josh H. and what could've been. I tell myself: go over to Best Buy and start talking! Drop hints! Make him know you want him! Try it! Stop stalling!
But every time I get to Best Buy, I chicken out. When I would the store and convince myself that "it just isn't meant to be". I think that if it were, he would've made the move.
Why is it so difficult for me to just approach him? I think it's because I'm afraid that he'll reject me and be amused that I even thought he was interested. I'm afraid that I'm not good enough for him (even though I know I'm a good person). I'm just scared of being hurt. Also, what if he's dating someone? What if I missed the boat and it's just too late?!
But what if I'm missing out on something great?! Ugh! I REALLY need to get it together. I'm never going to get what I want if I'm too afraid to go after it. I mean, what's stopping me? Fear of rejection? I know everyone gets shot down at sometime but, I never have and I just don't want to feel that pain.
I know I have a lot to offer people. When we would talk while we were working, it was great! I know we would have a lot of fun together, I'm just scared of the initiation.
Well, I hope that I can find my way out of this one. The suspense is killing me and I feel like the clock is ticking!
I've been pinning away over Josh H. and what could've been. I tell myself: go over to Best Buy and start talking! Drop hints! Make him know you want him! Try it! Stop stalling!
But every time I get to Best Buy, I chicken out. When I would the store and convince myself that "it just isn't meant to be". I think that if it were, he would've made the move.
Why is it so difficult for me to just approach him? I think it's because I'm afraid that he'll reject me and be amused that I even thought he was interested. I'm afraid that I'm not good enough for him (even though I know I'm a good person). I'm just scared of being hurt. Also, what if he's dating someone? What if I missed the boat and it's just too late?!
But what if I'm missing out on something great?! Ugh! I REALLY need to get it together. I'm never going to get what I want if I'm too afraid to go after it. I mean, what's stopping me? Fear of rejection? I know everyone gets shot down at sometime but, I never have and I just don't want to feel that pain.
I know I have a lot to offer people. When we would talk while we were working, it was great! I know we would have a lot of fun together, I'm just scared of the initiation.
Well, I hope that I can find my way out of this one. The suspense is killing me and I feel like the clock is ticking!
How does it feel?
As usual, I'm feeling subterranean. So, like I've done before, I went online to find "ways to feel better about your ______". This time, I entered: body.
Now, I got some pretty good, yet run of the mill advice. "Drink water, exercise, take alone time, accept your flaws". I've heard it all before. What I want to know is: how do you begin to love yourself and feel WORTHY if no one else sees you as such? What I mean is, how is a woman supposed to feel beautiful if she isn't being made to feel such? Call me crazy but I just don't believe in pulling confidence out of your ass. How the hell does it work? How can you be ignored, talked about, and just flat out told (or maybe hinted at) that you're not beautiful, worthy, wanted or accepted and FEEL and BELIEVE you are?
I can't do it. I can't just BE happy and BE confident with my BODY if every time I turn around people who look like me are being treated like shit while those who look the OPPOSITE of me are being exalted. Notice I said confidence within my body and looks. I am extremely confident in my intelligence because I have performed and been RECOGNIZED and PRAISED for my performance. Basically, I (and I would bet my life that A LOT of other people need) EXTERNAL gratification to feel like what they are doing or who they are is satisfactory.
Is this pathetic? Probably. All I know is how I feel about myself and how I am treated (or not treated) daily. I'm tired of just being here. I want to be someones ideal. I want to be someones kryptonite. I NEED to be wanted.
Now, I got some pretty good, yet run of the mill advice. "Drink water, exercise, take alone time, accept your flaws". I've heard it all before. What I want to know is: how do you begin to love yourself and feel WORTHY if no one else sees you as such? What I mean is, how is a woman supposed to feel beautiful if she isn't being made to feel such? Call me crazy but I just don't believe in pulling confidence out of your ass. How the hell does it work? How can you be ignored, talked about, and just flat out told (or maybe hinted at) that you're not beautiful, worthy, wanted or accepted and FEEL and BELIEVE you are?
I can't do it. I can't just BE happy and BE confident with my BODY if every time I turn around people who look like me are being treated like shit while those who look the OPPOSITE of me are being exalted. Notice I said confidence within my body and looks. I am extremely confident in my intelligence because I have performed and been RECOGNIZED and PRAISED for my performance. Basically, I (and I would bet my life that A LOT of other people need) EXTERNAL gratification to feel like what they are doing or who they are is satisfactory.
Is this pathetic? Probably. All I know is how I feel about myself and how I am treated (or not treated) daily. I'm tired of just being here. I want to be someones ideal. I want to be someones kryptonite. I NEED to be wanted.
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